Steve Liveblogs Ke$ha

This week in our continuing series of “Liveblogs Of Artists I Have Never Heard Nor Care About Yet Are Very Famous” we choose Ke$ha.  Keesha?  Keh-sha?  I really have no idea, and neither do you, that’s why we’re friends. For these purposes, I use only the itunes previews, since I refuse to buy these songs, and do not want to subject myself to the legal clusterfuck that is the entire music industry, who obviously follows this blog very closely.  If i’m going to get smacked with a fine for stealing from them, at least let it be for something respectable. There is a new single out entitled “Cannibal” and I eagerly await the auditory orgasms it will bring me, time and time again.  Here we go……

(clicks play)

Oh my god, I just experienced real live laugh out loud enjoyment.  The preview starts with the same autotune thats on every other track made in the last 5 years, building to a slow crescendo, and does one of those electronic reverse cymbal hits into silence….and comes in with a male vocal….I’LL EAT YOU UP.  wow.  Is there anything better than a robot telling you it will eat you up?  Then a chorus so packed with innovation, the likes we have not seen since Kiss wrote “These are crazy crazy crazy crazy nights”  she comes out with “I am cannibal…cannibal…cannibal…cannibal”  Amazing.

Then comes the rap section, this girl is ghetto fo sho. Something about eating a guy or some shit, I don’t fucking know.  Has this been written about before?  No.  It has not.  And it certainly has not been done better by more talented musicians.  Nope.  Not at all.  Wait, I have to sneeze, please excuse me Ahhhhh-ChoooooooHALLANDOATESMANEATERWASWAYBETTER00000000.  Whew, I feel better.

Oddly enough I shared these sentiments.  We'd make a great team.
Oddly enough I shared these sentiments. We'd make a great team.

Im not even gonna sugar coat it, this is a load of crap.  But I’m going to give this artist a fair shake.  Because I’m sure somewhere in america there are several 45 year old white men trying to imitate her sound in order to sell some pop hits, and who am I to discourage them.  SO, lets see what her top songs are, and delve into some action.

We R Who We R is her most popular song on itunes…lets go with that.  Ready?

(clicks play)

Seriously man, what the fuck is with the way this girl says words with the “R” sound in them.  Its like shes really trying to emphasize it to an obnoxious degree.  And its really fucking annoying.  Like if i decided to just speak with a British accent on the letter R. Wheeee Aaaaah We going to today?   how fucking annoying would that be?  As annoying as listening to Ke$ha.  So I guess shes got her thing down, its like a club hit chorus followed by a rap about how shes such a bad girl?  How long can this last? Like another 45 seconds?  Oh man, stab me in the face already.  I’m going to listen to some Susan Boyle.

WHEW.  That was tiring.  I feel slightly nauseous.  I’m going to take a break, then liveblog Susan Boyle.  Its that kind of day.