Term Limits.

Paul McKinley Wagner Esquire and myself were discussing music today, and an interesting concept came up.  The topic of Linkin Park was introduced, and I began to think.  Dr Wagner said that every song on this album seemed familiar, even though in reality he had maybe heard 2 of their hits, likely because of the wide commercial usage in films and whatnot.  Sure, this works great for the present, you achieve success, you buy yourself a Honda Civic with 17” Rims and one of those gold chains for a steering wheel, but what do you do after that?  Which brings us to today’s topic, legacy.

linkin-park-20071019-326881

Lets explore the theory of Linkin Park for another minute, shall we?  My personal theory, is that as long as you have some angst, and a few sounds you would like to rhyme, you can write some hits. Someone give me a word.  (its cold in NY today, lets pick that)

Before I grow Old, Every story that I told, the cards I never fold, in a basement full of Mold…
CRAAAAAAAWLING IN MY SKIIINNNNNN

See?  It pretty much works with anything.  Have you seen that nickelback comparison where they take 2 songs and play them on top of eachother and they perfectly match?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Qs4tNeGyTyI

nickelback_1257607012

Again, what is a band like that going to have for a legacy?  There is always talk about the sophomore slump, but what if it’s just a plateau?  What if the same styles keep getting recreated until its no longer a forward moving freight train of rock and roll doom and satanism, but a calmly chugging zerox machine, whose rhythm hypnotizes you into staring into its bright light for hours/days/weeks at a time?  HMMM???

Vampire-Weekend
Old Navy? J Crew? Hollister?

Imagine how amazing certain bands would seem if they disbanded/perished in a fiery explosion right after their first album?  Vampire Weekend would be legendary for the remainder of time.  And maybe a band like Linkin Park would be well respected, instead of the go to soundtrack filler for every Vin Deisel movie about cars and explosions.  Can we put term limits on this sort of thing?  In fact, they don’t even get a full album.  They don’t even get a full song, because they basically only have one song that they repeat over and over.  Wait, wait.  I dont think they even have that.  They get one verse.  And one chorus.  Thats it.  30 seconds tops.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-N5NFmp3hY

With all the new music showing up every 45 seconds, we really need to distinguish the regurgitated from the carbon copies from the totally awesome.  Any lobbyists out there want to write up some legislation?

Steve Liveblogs Ke$ha

This week in our continuing series of “Liveblogs Of Artists I Have Never Heard Nor Care About Yet Are Very Famous” we choose Ke$ha.  Keesha?  Keh-sha?  I really have no idea, and neither do you, that’s why we’re friends. For these purposes, I use only the itunes previews, since I refuse to buy these songs, and do not want to subject myself to the legal clusterfuck that is the entire music industry, who obviously follows this blog very closely.  If i’m going to get smacked with a fine for stealing from them, at least let it be for something respectable. There is a new single out entitled “Cannibal” and I eagerly await the auditory orgasms it will bring me, time and time again.  Here we go……

(clicks play)

Oh my god, I just experienced real live laugh out loud enjoyment.  The preview starts with the same autotune thats on every other track made in the last 5 years, building to a slow crescendo, and does one of those electronic reverse cymbal hits into silence….and comes in with a male vocal….I’LL EAT YOU UP.  wow.  Is there anything better than a robot telling you it will eat you up?  Then a chorus so packed with innovation, the likes we have not seen since Kiss wrote “These are crazy crazy crazy crazy nights”  she comes out with “I am cannibal…cannibal…cannibal…cannibal”  Amazing.

Then comes the rap section, this girl is ghetto fo sho. Something about eating a guy or some shit, I don’t fucking know.  Has this been written about before?  No.  It has not.  And it certainly has not been done better by more talented musicians.  Nope.  Not at all.  Wait, I have to sneeze, please excuse me Ahhhhh-ChoooooooHALLANDOATESMANEATERWASWAYBETTER00000000.  Whew, I feel better.

Oddly enough I shared these sentiments.  We'd make a great team.
Oddly enough I shared these sentiments. We'd make a great team.

Im not even gonna sugar coat it, this is a load of crap.  But I’m going to give this artist a fair shake.  Because I’m sure somewhere in america there are several 45 year old white men trying to imitate her sound in order to sell some pop hits, and who am I to discourage them.  SO, lets see what her top songs are, and delve into some action.

We R Who We R is her most popular song on itunes…lets go with that.  Ready?

(clicks play)

Seriously man, what the fuck is with the way this girl says words with the “R” sound in them.  Its like shes really trying to emphasize it to an obnoxious degree.  And its really fucking annoying.  Like if i decided to just speak with a British accent on the letter R. Wheeee Aaaaah We going to today?   how fucking annoying would that be?  As annoying as listening to Ke$ha.  So I guess shes got her thing down, its like a club hit chorus followed by a rap about how shes such a bad girl?  How long can this last? Like another 45 seconds?  Oh man, stab me in the face already.  I’m going to listen to some Susan Boyle.

WHEW.  That was tiring.  I feel slightly nauseous.  I’m going to take a break, then liveblog Susan Boyle.  Its that kind of day.